I’ve decided that using AOL and Yahoo as methods for getting news on a daily basis is not a good idea. Many of you read yesterday my concerns about music icon Moby and the NEWS article headlined “Want to See Moby Live?” What with it being news and all I just assumed he’d be kidnapped by ninjas. Quick follow up, Moby wasn’t kidnapped by ninjas. Turns out there’s more than one way to pronounce the word “live” which totally changes its meaning and made me look pretty foolish when I barged into the DragonNinja secret hideout and started demanding that they release Moby. Which leads me to my next point. When going up against a gang of evil ninja by yourself, make damn sure you have some way of defending yourself. Apparently three sessions of Tae Kwon Do and several hours of Tae Bo simply aren’t enough. Just sayin’.

Don’t make the same mistake I did and think that AOL headlines are news when they are instead very much advertisments disguised as news. One of today’s headlines: “Porsche Cayenne Can Reach 60 MPH In Only 4.7 Seconds”

Their big ‘I’m just checking e-mail so flash me with some headlines so I can at least pretend I know what’s going on with the world” rival, Yahoo, had an article at the TOP of their entertainment headlines. The story they thought they’d lead with: “Guest: Many Wept During Jackson’s Funeral.”

Really? I understand that when an icon such as Michael Jackson dies (and I mean news icon, not pop icon) and you know the number of “King of Pop Loves All the Little Children” well is about to run as dry as a expensive Malbec being sipped by Stephen Wright on a hot Arizona afternoon you take that lemon and you squeeze out every little piece of news you can find and you lead with it. But this isn’t news, it’s just stating the obvious. They could just as easilly have said “Michael Jackson’s Thriller had music on it” or “As he got older, Michael Jackson’s look changed” and it would have been just as newsworthy.

You mean to tell me that Jackson’s closest friends and family attended his funeral and that many of them wept? STOP THE PRESSES! I understand you need to have an article about his funeral, I really do. But try to keep it newsworthy. The next Michael Jackson related story I want to see is about when the ‘too soon’ timer has worn out and we can start disrespecting the dead again.

In light of this, I decided how I’m going to make my first million. I’m going to start my own online news site. “Ain’t it Obvious News.” Today we’re leading with breaking news about how there’s strife in the middle east, how many Republicans are not happy with Barak Obama and a human interest story about how dogs make good pets.

Warning: the following has been cross posted at www.notyf.wordpress.com


This morning I was greeted with terrible news. I did my 30 minutes of trying to learn a new language (I’m trying to learn Cymraeg for those of you not in the know. More for novelty than anything else.) and open my browser to check my mail and hit my usual social networking haunts before getting ready for work. A headline caught my eye which sent shivers down my spine. “Want to See Moby Live?” Dear God! Someone kidnapped Moby and is making thier demands known to the public via AOL news. I was in a rush so I didn’t actually READ the article but I think he’s been kidnapped by DragonNinja. There have been rampant ninja relate crimes these days and apparently musicans that have collaborated with Gwen Steffani are no exception.

I don’t think we should meet their demands. While I do want to see Moby live I think this calls for more drastic matters which I plan on taking into my own hands. I’m going to go into the streets to battle these DragonNinja, hopefully they’ll lead me to thier secret base and I can rescue Moby. I don’t think I can do it alone, though, so I’m asking you, my loyal readers and friends, if you think you are a bad enough dude to rescue Moby, join me. I can’t promise that you’ll survive, but I CAN promise that if we do rescue Moby he’ll be grateful. Perhaps so much that he’ll join us for a burgers in front of the white house. I hope so, that’d be great!

I just hope there’s no fire-breathing Russians. I’m allergic to fire-breathing Russians.

I’m upset. Nay, I’m FURIOUS!

Those bastards at Capitol One misled me. I was all set to do a piece on how Capitol One will let you put whatever image you want on your credit card and the comedic possibilities that lie therein. I do a bit of research to make sure that I’m not bringing you lot a long drawn out fantasy on a false premise and discover that yes, yes that’s exactly what I was about to do.

Seems you can’t put copyrighted material on your card, so having a Capitol One Mastercard with a giant VISA logo on it is off-limits. Same thing goes for celebrities. You can’t own a credit card featuring Nick Nolte’s mug shot. Ya can’t do it. No matter how cool it would be to have one they simply won’t allow it.

They also won’t let you put nude or semi-nude people of any age on your card. So the idea of having a pornographic credit card to pay for groceries with is completely out of reach. You can’t even do it if you exclusively use it to pay for porn. Who am I kidding? Pay for porn… that IS funny.

Also disallowed, images of death an violent acts. As an example they say you can’t have skulls on your Capitol One credit card. Seriously? So if I did a production of Hamlet and wanted to put a capture of me holding aloft Yorick’s skull they would say “No. Skull=Evil!!!” Or even worse, if I happened to catch a brutal serial-killer in the act of flaying his latest victem to make a hammock, took a picture that could be used as incriminating evidence and was deemed a hero because of it they wouldn’t let me put that picture on my credit card, even though it’d be considered a defining moment in my life. Seriously, Capitol One, who does THAT hurt?

I would have loved to have a collection of discarded innaproprite credit cards but until Captiol One eases up on their free-speech hating, right wing, socialized health care opposing Nazi rules I’m going to have to just deal. thanks a lot Capitol One! My day is officially ruined… I’m going to go lock myself in my bedroom, watch some old episodes of Simon and Simon though salty tears and down a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s Limited Batch run of Key Lime Pie ice cream available at your local supermarket. Get it before its gone.

There are few things more humiliating than building up a joke in your head, working out which variation of a punchline is the funniest and having the delivery met with the sounds of silence. It’s like having the highest score of any of your friends on those annoying Facebook games (some of which I am addicted to) then switched to world view to see that you actually kinda suck a whole lot. Like black hole suck.

During a conversation about people not understanding what songs are actually about a friend points out that “Turning Japanese” by the Vapors isn’t about turning into a Japanese person at all but rather masturbation. If you’ve ever had a conversation with anyone about misunderstood songs someone will proudly state Turning Japanese is about yankin’ it. Take a good long look in their eyes, it’s as if they’re imparting knowledge that the rest of the universe already doesn’t know. Maybe they’ll follow it up with “Verbal is actually Kaiser Soze.” We know. We’ve always known. Despite Hollywood’s relentless habit of playing this song everytime an American is doing something asian we know that the song is about self-gratification. If this ever happens to you pretend that you didn’t know this fact and ask them to explain it to you. The result is usually hilarious.

Anyway, while listening to claims that “My Sharona” is about a pedophilia and that the Beatle’s “Revolution” is actually poking fun at protesters and not a call to arms I work up a little joke. My mind does that. I can’t control it. My mind thinks that maybe there’s a song out there that means what it actually means but that COULD be mistaken for something very absurd. I quickly go through my catalog of music. Do I pick a Michael Jackson song? Too soon and/or cliche. Perhaps I’ll mention that the Divinyl’s “I Touch Myself” Is really about wanting to become Asian. No. Then my mouth opens and says, “Yeah, and did you know that ‘Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me’ is actually warning about the dangers of solar felatio?”

Nothing.

No laughs. Not a chuckle. Surely I deserved a pity gaffaw. But nothing.

Nothing? Seriously? That was funny. Yeah it wasn’t classic or even really that quotable but still it was funny. Was the song too obscure? Was saying ’solar felatio’ the wrong word choice? I think ’solar felatio’ actually made the joke. any other telling would be spelling it out to much. “Yeah, it’s actually warning about not letting the SUN… right, the sun? It’s about not letting the sun GO DOWN on you. You know… cuz it’d be hot.”

Is this an example of know your audience? Is Solar Felatio over their heads? Did Elton John and George Michael suddenly become off-limits? Because they shouldn’t be. Individually they’re comedy gold, but when they join forces and release a hit that features the words “go down” I should be allowed to make a joke about it and people damn well better laugh.

Or maybe no one thinks I’m funny.